Again, idk what im doing pt. 2

Geez I really didnt mean for this blog section to just be all depressing talk but I guess ive just been repressing it all. I dont really know what im doing with my life, im tempted to just get in my car and start a new life out of state. I was going to talk about my personal life but I really dont want to bring myself down while typing. In other news ive been trying to figure out what to do with this site. Im hitting a roadblock now where I dont know what to add and change. It feels too. empty. I know I was trying to get away from using the template that I linked from my old homepage but that genuinely felt like it had much more personality. Maybe it'd be different if I knew how to code better. The reason theres different tabs like this is cause I cant properly display and remove windows. Thats why the buttons up top dont work right now. At this point i'd pay to have help in fixing this. I really want everything just to be on one back but I have no clue how to actually do it. So much of this is spaghetti code already.

Oh ya, also im single now. Thats processing a bit better now even if it took way to long to get to that point. I dont know if ill go to the jam sessions to take my mind off that either. Theyre just too closed off it feels, not really welcoming even if theyre trying to be. Theres a blues jam session at a different place on thursday so I might do that, plus its earlier. Ill figure it out I probably wont but its nice to think about, anyways till next time.

Oh ya a happier thing, I made my own button (yippee!). its on the homepage and its pretty basic but now people can link to this site so go wild with it.

I dont know what im doing with my life

Its another late night im writing a blog post again. I know I said this wouldnt be updated as frequently but I guess I have a lot more on my mind I just want to keep journaled. Its been a while since my partner split with me. We ended on good terms but my mind wasnt caught up with the fact im not longer dating anyone. I only just recently had been talking about my partner around friends and family that it felt really embarrasing to just after say im no longer dating. I've only been recently coming to terms with the fact im no longer dating them which has put me back in a more depressing mindset. I mean I guess that helps when playing jazz (just to look on the brighter side of things) but i'd rather be in a relationship and feel loved than play broken hearted songs. Ive been filling the music player with more chet baker songs just to fit the mood while I type.

This was my first long term relationship ive ever been. I know everyone would say you'll be in more and to not sweat it but its difficult to find someone let alone a person who has the same passions. Plus its difficult as hell to even find someone, its like clawing at the walls hoping to find something. And yea yea relationships happen naturally, if you try to chase one youll end up crashing, but I just dont know what to do right now with myself. Being in one helped me a lot dealing with everything college related and all the family issues that come along with that. I know as sure as shit im not showing this site to anyone I know in person now. Originally I was doing that for recognition cause I thought "hey making sites are cool as hell", but I think I need to use this blog section to rant and talk about life. I doubt anyone reads these besides myself but im okay with that. Its my own little corner on the internet, away from all the parts like tiktok and insta.

Anyways I start up my internship in two weeks so ill see where I am mentally at that point. Being by yourself fucking sucks. I'll see about hitting more jazz jam sessions in the meantime. Take care whoever reads this.

A bit of a rough Jam Session

I wont give updates like this nearly as often but seeing that I just made this section I want to populate it a bit. I ended up going to that jam session, though I went alone so it was definitely a bit uncomfortable. I didnt know anyone there and I was definitely at a lower skill level than everyone else. I only ended up playing Polkadots and Moonbeams since it was the only song at the time that was memorized but it was a lot more rudementary than everyone elses playing.

I like to cut myself some slack by saying im not a music major or do this as a career, im an engineer, but it still feels a bit bad going up and knowingly playing worse than everyone else. Im talking negative and all but they were kind to me there, its just musics like art where you play what you feel so it gets a bit exposing.

Blog Page is Up!!

The blog is up now finally! This took a lot of trial and error and ill keep it evolving as I keep going. Im just glad to finally have something a little more personalized and not as dependant on the homepage style. Ill be working on making the homepage look a little more like this as I keep going but FINALLY!!! Hopefully I actually add things to this section. But in other news, ill be going to my first jam session tonight which is fun but nerve wracking. Ive always put it down cause of the late night hours but im finally committing to it.

This page is meant for personal life updates. The website updates will stay on the homepage so I can keep this fully personal, maybe to act more as a reflection piece and to keep myself happy. Currently while im writing this theres some questions I wish I knew the answers to but only time will tell.

I also need to thank pernoctalian for this site page itself. Im still working on my own for the time, however, I really loved what she did with her own journal so I wanted to use it as a base to find what I personally like the most. Please go visit her site, her button will be linked below

......

......